Wednesday, May 31, 2006

If only I cared enough to have goals

An observation

So, I realized that people who go to the gym do it to actually look better. These people have goals like, 20 pounds off by summer or 2 dress sizes down before the wedding….

I go to the gym so I can consume as many snacks, soy lattes, and eggplant parms as I like and not have to worry about fitting into my clothes. This seems counter productive to most people, but it makes perfect sense to me. I always hoped the gym would be filled with 80’s body builders working out to the Rocky theme song.

Sadly it’s not that funny, but there are many strange characters I have observed in the past few months….

Sweaty Man – This man is gross. Niagara Falls drips from every part of his body from seemingly easy workouts. He seems to be unaware of his problem because he never cleans off his machines. Stay away from sweaty man.

Stick Girl – This will be the thinnest girl you have ever seen. This kind of thin can only be caused by a disorder or terminal illness. Every time I see her I just want to scream “why the hell are you even here!”, but I don’t.

I think he’s gay man – This is a 20 something year old kid who does nothing but the stepper for hours at a time. I have never seen him do anything else in the gym. I’m always thinking that there is no way a straight man will pay for a gym membership and do nothing but the cardio stepper, which is totally a girly machine. He out steps me every time and he doesn’t even know we are racing. I watch him in awe. I think I will train for a year doing nothing but the stepper for days on end. I will eat raw eggs every day for breakfast and don 80’s style sweat bands. Then I will come back and beat I think he’s gay man at his own craft. The student becomes the master.

Half Naked Chick – This chick thinks that just because she is hot she can wear a bra and hot pants wherever she wants. She poses a potential risk for the male weight lifters and pisses me off. Woman: The gym is a public place, so get some fucking clothes on! I don’t need to see your perfect ass peeking out from the bottom of your shorts. The half naked chick is depressing.

The Motivator – This is the person you never want to be. They can be male or female and are usually morbidly obese. You always see these people but you will only see the same person once or twice. In your head your saying “it’s gonna take more than 10 minutes on a treadmill to fix that mess!” and pray you never let yourself go. If you can’t find a motivator then look in the mirror, because you might be it. This person is the reason you stay an extra ½ hour and go back the next day.

Strong Man – The strong man is usually in his 20’s or 30’s and will lift the heaviest weights at the gym. He also grunts and growls when he lifts…. If you wanted to know which way to the beach, you would ask strong man.

Old Strong Man – Old strong man is in his 50’s or 60’s. He is strong man but wrinkly and less frightening. He also has a faded tattoo of a naked chick on his arm.

Turbo Chick – This chick is crazy. She rivals strong man, but is a lot harder to find. She’s tan, has crazy muscles, and may take steroids. Her hair style was only in fashion in 1982 but it’s hard to identify her age…maybe late 20’s early 30’s? Either way if I ever needed a body guard, she would be it.

Rambo - aka: workout guido. This is the guy fronting as an Italian wearing a wife beater, a dark tan and a gold chain. He will try to talk in a NY accent but he was really born and raised in RI. He will have crazy amounts of gel in his hair even though he’s at the gym. He will be the one starring at the back of stick girl while she’s on the stepper.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Boats are Scary

10 things to do this summer

  1. Finish at least 1 book
  2. Become a minimalist
  3. Eat healthy stuff
  4. Wear something besides jeans
  5. Read the paper
  6. Use the word of the day for more than one day
  7. Get a job
  8. Finish everything I start
  9. Actually learn Spanish
  10. Accomplish at least one thing on this list

10 realistic things I will do this summer

  1. Waste valuable time just sitting around
  2. Watch every new movie at the theatre
  3. Watch every horror movie at Blockbuster
  4. Only eat things that were cooked on a grill (veggies of course)
  5. Sleep until noon on weekdays
  6. Eat out every night
  7. Don’t read anything but movie subtitles
  8. Wear jeans in the dead heat of summer
  9. Play a billion games of skeeball on the boardwalk (not a hyperbole)
  10. Get pissed when nothing of value actually gets accomplished

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Clarification for the one person who reads my blog

"Everyone drives a new car"
This was not supposed to imply that a lot of people drive. In the city (even the small ones) most people take public transportation, which, like I said, was the best I’ve ever seen. I actually meant that those few that do drive choose new cars with more efficient mpg ratings and fewer emissions. In the time I was there I did not see one gas-guzzling "clunker" on the road like you see everywhere in America. And it's actually illegal to let your car idle for more than a minute or two and i know that sounds like one of those laws that nobody cares about like registering an indoor cat with your town, but it's not - in Sweden neighbors will report you.

"When people talk to strangers they are either mentally insane or American"
This might not be seen as a good thing to everyone, but it was for me.
Everyday I had a 25 minute tram ride home from the city and in that time not one person would try to talk to me. You could be sitting next to the same person the whole time and never even lock eyes. Swedes just don't give a shit about chit chat like Americans do and would rather just leave you alone. There was one exception when a teenage boy heard my American accent and wanted to know what my heritage was...it was so strange to him for someone to have so many different backgrounds and he wanted to know if all Americans were like that... it was interesting

It is true that "anyone who thinks "Americans are cool" must have a serious intelligence deficit." because Americans are by far the lamest group of people ever (hello - the puritans!) but when you travel the world so much it feels good when someone actually thinks you are cool (accurate or not)... Swedes and the Japanese are the only ones I’ve encountered that actually thought this way... and to this day I do not know why

Thursday, May 25, 2006

i <3 Sweden

So don’t get me wrong here, I love Sweden and most of the Swedes that live there. I would move back there in a second. So I compiled a list of the best things in Sweden so I don’t seem too one sided here.

The bread (like no other bread you have ever tasted- 1 slice is a meal in itself)

IKEA (yes, every home in Sweden looks like it was furnished at IKEA, except the northern Swedes that live in tents or igloos or something)

H&M

Lingonberries (these are best on cheese + crackers)

Dahls (best coffee shop/bakery ever)

Pearl sugar

Everything made with elderflower

True environmentalism backed by the government

The most efficient tram system I have ever seen

Swedish pancakes

Cheap cheese

Marabou Hazelnut Chocolate

Gothenburg

Equality of women

Everyone drives a new car

When people talk to strangers they are either mentally insane or American

My 15 year old brother can kick the ass of any Swedish thug

Americans are cool

Lagom är bäst

Lagom:

There is no English equivalent for the Swedish word lagom, and actually there is no equivalent in any other language either. It’s very definitive to Sweden and the Swedish way of thinking. It's the idea that there is the perfect amount for everything including food, space, laughter, sadness and money. It’s described as "just enough” and rivals the extremes of consumerism, which Sweden certainly does not partake in. More simply put you are equal to you’re countryman; you're not supposed to be too good, or too rich and if you are you shouldn’t show it off.

I have seen this whole idea described as “well-disguised national pride and self-confidence” which I, in return, call a flaming pile of bull shit.

If you actually sit down and talk to a Swede for a minute they will be the first to tell you all about lagom and equality and how nobody is the best and it’s wonderful. If you stay there for another minute they will then proceed to tell you Sweden is better than the United States because of lagom. Then they will then explain to you, an American, that every one in America just tries to be better than everyone else and Hollywood makes us shallow and Swedes are humble and better than any American.

I know, right now you’re saying… doesn’t the fact that they are saying all this contradict their whole lagom theory?... in a word yes, but that is not where the contradictions end.

Swedes love America. They also take any chance they get to act like or be with an American. They watch reruns of American shows on TV and American movies in the theatre (neither dubbed). They also are some of the shallowest people I have ever met. They spend great amounts of money on clothes, make up, shoes, and bags. If you are one of the Swedes who do not have blonde hair and blue eyes you will be criticized by the others.

One of my Swedish friends had many troubles with this. Both her parents were born in China but moved to Sweden for a better life. She was born in Sweden, spoke Swedish as a first language, and considered herself Swedish before any other nationality however, any time the “true” Swedes had a drink in them they would tell her she is not Swedish, she’s just an immigrant and therefore inferior to everyone else. (This coming from a bunch of Swedes in America – yes immigrants themselves)

“Well-disguised national pride and self-confidence”, bull shit. They are the first to tell you their football team is better than anyone else’s, Sweden is better than Norway, Americans are superficial, and Sweden produces the best cars.

So where exactly is this lagom?

Is it hiding on one of the shelves of IKEA?

Is it tucked away on a coat rack at H&M?

Is it hiding in the trunk of a Volvo?

No, it exists solely in the imaginations of every Swede who was fed that crap from the day they were born… Swedes are better because of lagom…. contradictions and denial

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Simon says....

Originality:

Some would say this is the power of independent thought or constructive imagination, however, most people would call it well disguised plagiarism. Either way, you don’t see a lot of if lately and I don’t think I’m the only one bothered by it.

Unoriginality isn’t always bad though, Sam Adams has built its entire advertising and brand image around fuck-heads who like to copy other people.

Should we blame society for claiming everyone is equal?

Should we blame Hollywood for setting the mold for all of America to follow?

Or should we blame our own human nature to want to fit in with everyone else?

I guess we can forget the blame game and look at this way, without followers there will be no leaders and without leaders there will never be change and change is good.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Benevolence is lost so easily

Almost a year ago I had an accident that would subsequently cause a six month depression and keep me from walking for three months. At first I needed a wheel chair to leave the house. When my boyfriend reluctantly made the drive to see me on the weekends he would complain that putting my wheel chair in his trunk would mean he couldn’t put the top down on his convertible BMW.

This event has, whether completely justified or not, permanently shaped my opinion of his character and the character of every cock that drives a BMW.

So my question is this:

Why does the truth only show during our worst moments and our character shaped more by our own evils than graces?

Friday, May 19, 2006

It’s better to be surprised anyway

Radiohead - Where I End and You Begin

Towards the end of this song jesus will try to call you.
Your phone will be on vibrate and you will miss the call.
Jesus will not call again.

17 years later you will be walking across a city street and a Mack truck will run a red light.
As you lay there, moments from death, it will then become clear to you why jesus was trying to call.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

the all singing, all dancing, crap of the world

What is it with cocks lately! There seems to be an increase in the number of cocky assholes that come in contact with me and I feel the need to set these people straight.

This problem I contribute to global warming. What does global warming and the dick head at the UPS store have in common? Hot air. Much like when, in the summer time, your car tire will pop because of air expansion the fuck head working at the UPS store will have hot air fill his head.


1. You are not the shit
2. Everything you think is cool is not
3. Yes, you are gay
4. Your penis is not large
5. Nobody thinks you are funny
6. Nobody cares where you went to school
7. Everyone has a gmail account


So, ignoring the risk of beating an allusion to death… You are not a unique and beautiful snowflake… So get the fuck over yourself!