Thursday, April 06, 2006

The one seat buffer

Every true American respects the one seat buffer rule with the exception of the homeless, rapists and sleazy Latinos, but for arguments sake they do not count. Whenever you are in a public seating area, be it a food court, bus, or movie theater, there is a one seat buffer that should always be between you and the stranger next to you.

The reasons are as follows:
1. People smell and someone you don’t even know should not have to smell your personal funk. It’s ok with people you know because you get the benefit of knowing that person and everyone has something to offer to a friendship. Oh and you can tell them they smell like ass and need to fix the situation immediately... without getting smacked.

2. Without the one seat buffer you run the risk of bumping elbows or accidentally poking a girl in the breast, which is equally disturbing whether done by a girl or guy. This contact will immediately create an awkward situation/interaction that we Americans were not raised with the mental aptitude to comprehend.

3. Americans are fat and in denial. We still manufacture seats for teenagers in Frankie and Annette 1950’s beach party movies. Not that there were no over weight people in the 50’s it’s just back then they were considered less than human and sacrificed for the greater good of a nation ( their fat was used in the production of army boots for the sure-to-come WWIII ) The one seat buffer makes it possible for all of our American goodness to overflow into the next seat a safe distance from the fat rolls of the stranger next to us - the two fat rolls must never meet.

4. When two Americans are sitting right next to each other with no one seat buffer they feel the need to stir up some chit-chat. Since we're so used to the one seat buffer being there when we actually do have to sit next to a person we panic. Unable to cope with this new-found closeness, we try to talk to the person so they are no longer a stranger and make the one seat buffer obsolete. This only works 1 time out of 100. It's very unlikely that the person sitting next to you, aka: idiot who didn’t follow the one seat buffer rule, will have even a remote chance of something in common. Thus you will never be friends and always need the one seat buffer in between you. American chit-chat is bad too. Americans will start by mentioning the weather - mind you they are in a public place, so the other person did leave their house that day and did in fact come in contact with the atmosphere around them in turn knowing exactly what the weather situation is. Then we try to mention some current event that the other person definitely has no clue about (actually you don’t either. you just saw the headline in a news clip during the commercials for the OC or whatever crap you watch on TV that you will never admit to and pray they know less than you and don’t want to build an actual conversation off of it inevitably making you look smarter and more informed earning you the privilege of sticking your nose up and saying “oh you didn’t read about that” yeah like you even read – go you!)

There is also a few side regulations to keep in mind with this rule.

1. In the case of a bench seat, one shall still keep the distance of one seat. This actually puts a lot of power into your hands, you can either stick to the 1950’s ass-sized seat or upgrade to the wide load of the year 2006. Either choice still leaves room for only 2 people per public bench.

2. When put in a situation where there is no room for a one seat buffer - for example a crowded bus - you must stand. If the only room on the bus is in between two people, in their buffer seat, you must stand and forfeit the seat for the greater good. This rule is difficult because Americans HATE to stand, however, the hate of closeness to strangers and awkward situations totally usurps any other hate.

The one seat buffer rule is a universal rule that stretches across the entire United States. Children understand this rule. However, for some reason foreigners can never pick up on it. Why do they think we always sit one seat apart? This is a mystery I would like to solve. In any case this oversight is unbearable for several reasons,

1. Foreigners always smell bad. This is in part because most of them do not use deodorant, eat very pungent smelling foods that in turn oozes out their fragrance from their pores, and a foreigner’s idea of cologne involves pieces of dead animals and ancient oils used to summon some type of god (yeah, oils that are so caustic they could break through the force of space and time into the heavens (or depths, depending on what kind of god you are beckoning) and catch the attention of said being)

2. Foreigner’s idea of chit-chat involves war, holocaust, rebellions, American idiocy, and global politics. None of these subjects can accurately or knowledgeably be fully discussed by a stupid and painfully naive American.

3. Foreigners have accents. Americans cannot understand what they are saying and don’t really care since they are in America and every one should know how to properly pronounce words in American style English. Of course, when Americans travel abroad the people living in these foreign nations must also be able to do this in their homeland because the world must cater to the needs of all Americans. If they want our capitalistic blood-money in exchange for half-assed hand woven souvenirs they damn straight better speak perfect American style English.

4. Foreign people come from different cultures and ways of living that are different than our own and that is demonstrated in their clothing and appearance.
Translation: foreigners are creepy.

As I said earlier, there are a few groups of people who, although were born and raised in America, do not adhere to the one seat buffer rule. Namely the homeless, rapists, and sleazy Latinos. I feel the need to clarify why these people do not use this rule. I also fear they are the ones confusing all of the foreigners.

Well, the homeless are just cold and they need body warmth, so clearly the one seat buffer means nothing to them - except if they have their garbage bag filled with all their worldly possessions, in which case the one seat buffer gets used.
The intentions of rapists are obvious and need no further elaboration.
Sleazy Latinos are a rare breed of people that enjoy sitting disturbingly close to strangers, engaging in meaningless banter, and if you're a female “accidentally” groping your goods with sweaty, grease covered hands. They also take much joy in speaking slang Spanish to their friends while staring at you like a prison inmate that’s gone without anal while in solitary for a month. In this case there is nothing to do but move your seat or in the most annoying of situations get off the bus and walk away.


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