Wednesday, May 31, 2006

If only I cared enough to have goals

An observation

So, I realized that people who go to the gym do it to actually look better. These people have goals like, 20 pounds off by summer or 2 dress sizes down before the wedding….

I go to the gym so I can consume as many snacks, soy lattes, and eggplant parms as I like and not have to worry about fitting into my clothes. This seems counter productive to most people, but it makes perfect sense to me. I always hoped the gym would be filled with 80’s body builders working out to the Rocky theme song.

Sadly it’s not that funny, but there are many strange characters I have observed in the past few months….

Sweaty Man – This man is gross. Niagara Falls drips from every part of his body from seemingly easy workouts. He seems to be unaware of his problem because he never cleans off his machines. Stay away from sweaty man.

Stick Girl – This will be the thinnest girl you have ever seen. This kind of thin can only be caused by a disorder or terminal illness. Every time I see her I just want to scream “why the hell are you even here!”, but I don’t.

I think he’s gay man – This is a 20 something year old kid who does nothing but the stepper for hours at a time. I have never seen him do anything else in the gym. I’m always thinking that there is no way a straight man will pay for a gym membership and do nothing but the cardio stepper, which is totally a girly machine. He out steps me every time and he doesn’t even know we are racing. I watch him in awe. I think I will train for a year doing nothing but the stepper for days on end. I will eat raw eggs every day for breakfast and don 80’s style sweat bands. Then I will come back and beat I think he’s gay man at his own craft. The student becomes the master.

Half Naked Chick – This chick thinks that just because she is hot she can wear a bra and hot pants wherever she wants. She poses a potential risk for the male weight lifters and pisses me off. Woman: The gym is a public place, so get some fucking clothes on! I don’t need to see your perfect ass peeking out from the bottom of your shorts. The half naked chick is depressing.

The Motivator – This is the person you never want to be. They can be male or female and are usually morbidly obese. You always see these people but you will only see the same person once or twice. In your head your saying “it’s gonna take more than 10 minutes on a treadmill to fix that mess!” and pray you never let yourself go. If you can’t find a motivator then look in the mirror, because you might be it. This person is the reason you stay an extra ½ hour and go back the next day.

Strong Man – The strong man is usually in his 20’s or 30’s and will lift the heaviest weights at the gym. He also grunts and growls when he lifts…. If you wanted to know which way to the beach, you would ask strong man.

Old Strong Man – Old strong man is in his 50’s or 60’s. He is strong man but wrinkly and less frightening. He also has a faded tattoo of a naked chick on his arm.

Turbo Chick – This chick is crazy. She rivals strong man, but is a lot harder to find. She’s tan, has crazy muscles, and may take steroids. Her hair style was only in fashion in 1982 but it’s hard to identify her age…maybe late 20’s early 30’s? Either way if I ever needed a body guard, she would be it.

Rambo - aka: workout guido. This is the guy fronting as an Italian wearing a wife beater, a dark tan and a gold chain. He will try to talk in a NY accent but he was really born and raised in RI. He will have crazy amounts of gel in his hair even though he’s at the gym. He will be the one starring at the back of stick girl while she’s on the stepper.


At 11:23 AM, Anonymous twit said...

I find your stuff worth reading but you don't have much of an output. I'm not complaining about that (it's just an observation). I suppose you must be one of those freaks with a life beyond your computer.

(& this from someone who hasn't even got his own blog yet!)


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